Oh, the succulent pinch of Cupid’s arrow, nestled deep in one’s buttock.

Is there a pain more exquisite than the sweet sting of love??

This I type in bed as Sven labours in the kitchen; he’s braising persimmons and Roquefort in a smoked-cacao reduction, finished with a dusting of fair trade Peruvian bacteria. Sort of a pan-Atlantic/neo-bitter fusion…he knows it’s my favorite realm of the palate. Terribly  sweet, really, how hard he’s trying. Soon he will uncork the vintage 1986 Palais des Chevres, as dry and delectable as his Bachelor commentary.

It is difficult to write. Probably because of the hooves. And soon my Sven will whisk me from the Macbook and carry me to the table for our intense, sweaty session of gastronomic indulgence. So alas, I must make this brisk.

Valentine’s Day, lovers shall do what we do best: nosh, snuggle, and wash. The rest is up to fate. One thing is for certain: with Ooh La Zum Glow alit on the mantle, a new Zum Bar waiting in the soap dish, and the creme brulee begging to be bruleed, Valentine’s Day will be anything but ordinary. Or stanky.

I implore you, dear reader: love, lather, and turn up the heat. Never has there been a better night for a steamy shower with Zumbody special.

And by all means, go wild. Indigo Wild, that is. Here is where I would insert a large “wink” emoji, had I opposable thumbs.